The Dealer - a short play in 3 acts

Loosely based on a true story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty). This play is dedicated to the fine staff of Kustom Auto Sound, for reasons that will soon become obvious. 

ACT I

Curtains open on a couple in a mid-sized SUV. They are wearing winter coats and gloves, and their breath is visible in the cold air. The man, sitting in the driver's seat looks annoyed, as he takes out and starts dialing a mobile phone. The woman is shivering and adjusting the climate control unit.

Man (to Woman): This will just take a minute.

Ringtone can be heard over bluetooth connection.

Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling Fundai, this is Susan.

Man: Hello, Susan. This is Joe Shmoe. I am having a problem with the remote car starter in my Fundai Albuquerque. Not the best time for it to happen, as you can imagine!

Susan: Oh, no not at all!

Shmoe: As your service department installed it, I assumed I should call you.

Susan: Oh, I can schedule you an appointment for tomorrow morning.

Shmoe: Wait... before you do, you see, I've had problems with it before.

Susan: Yes.

Shmoe: When you installed it originally it did the same thing. The car lights up, you see, but never tries to start it.

Susan: Yes.

Schmoe: So I want to make sure that I am not charged for this service.

Susan: Oh, I see. Well, I can't really tell you that. You will need to talk to our service department. Would you like me to transfer you?

Shmoe grits his teeth and looks at Mrs. Schmoe.

Shmoe: Yes, I'll talk to them.

Susan: Please hold.


ACT II

Still in the SUV, Schmoe has put his gloves back on. Mrs. Shmoe is looking at Facebook or texting on her own phone.

Service: Hello, this is Katherine.

Shmoe: Hello Katherine, this is Joe Shmoe. I am having a problem with my remote car starter that you installed. Not the best time for it to happen, as you can imagine!

Katherine: Not at all! Very cold outside.

Shmoe: Yes, it is. So I need to know what to do about it.

Katherine: We can make an appointment for you.

Shmoe: Yes, I understand. But you see, it's only been installed about a year, and this problem seems to have happened before, so I was hoping you could assure me that you can look after this and that I would not be charged.

Katherine: I'm afraid that won't be possible. It has been just over one year, and the warranty on the starter is only one year.

Shmoe: So you can't tell me anything about what I can expect, other than that I can expect a charge.

Katherine: I'm not sure.

Shmoe: Well, never mind. Since you are not offereing any warranty on it, I will have it serviced elsewhere. Goodbye.


ACT III

Breath is no longer visible in the vehicle. Shmoe is dialing again. Mrs. Shmoe has given up on her own phone and is staring blankly out the front windshield.

Mrs. Shmoe: Can we go now?

Shmoe: I want to try the custom shop to see if they will fix it.

Ringtone is audible again.

Custom Shop Employee: Hello, Personal Auto Sound.

Shmoe: Hi, this is Joe Shmoe. I'm having a problem with my remote car starter. Not the best time for it to happen, as you can imagine!

Personal: No, that is cold out there!

Shmoe: You didn't install it, it was installed by the dealer, but they haven't been very helpful. When I try to start the car, it lights up the headlights, but simply does not start the car.

Personal: It was installed by the dealer? Is it a factory system?

Shmoe: No, it's an "Auto-Start" brand.

Personal: Auto-Start? Are you sure?

Shmoe: Yes, it has "AS" on the key fob, and remember that name being used when it was installed. I'm actually in the vehicle right now.

Personal:  OK. Can you turn the vehicle off right now?

Shmoe: (Turns vehicle off) Done.

Personal: Now, turn the key from the "off" position to the "on" position 5 or 6 times.

Shmoe: (Turns key several times) Yes.

Personal: OK. Try it now.

Shmoe: Really? (Presses button on key fob, vehicle starts) Hey, that worked.

Personal: Well, there you go!

Shmoe: Uh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Personal: No problem. Have a nice day!

Shmoe: Yes, you too. Thanks.

Shmoe and Mrs. Shmoe look at each other. Shmoe mumbles a profanity and the name of the Fundai employee under his breath, puts his phone away, and puts the SUV into "drive".

FIN